How To Be The Perfect Wife

In recent years there has been debate and finger pointing from both sides of the aisle about how to address the masculinity crisis that is taking hold in America. Too many young men today are lost and do not feel empowered. We recognize that this phenomenon is bad, but too little is being done to address the problem. Accusations- from “all men are toxic” to “women are lost” to conclusions that men are too “weak, sensitive, or feminine” when compared to past generations- have flown around but none seem to paint a complete picture. Culture clashing has only led to more confusion as America can’t seem to decide what our shared masculine-feminine culture truly values. Notwithstanding whether that blame is misplaced, remember that it is blame and only blame- not a solution. Some say men need potent examples of masculinity to follow. Others, often other women, state that cutting off toxic masculinity by never rewarding such behavior with attention or love is the easiest way to address the problem. In my opinion, as a transgender woman who understands broken masculinity from firsthand experience and has grown up closely alongside these boys, there is entirely too much finger pointing and truly not enough volunteerism to be a solution. What follows is my perspective on how to resolve the crisis, and hopefully, clarity on how to mend and move forward.

Addressing the argument that men are too feminine: I believe that while this may be true in some situations, this observation is not entirely or even largely to blame for male suffering. Sensitive men are not creating the problem, rather it is that there are too many sensitive men who are losing their ability to process their feelings. Every man in America should be encouraged by the women close to them, mirroring the way a mother nurtures her child. Being empathetic and having strong feelings produces a reaction among today’s young men that resembles an all out rejection of reality. As a woman who likes having a strong, dominant man around, I have learned from experience that this adverseness to processing things leads to loneliness and avoidance tendencies which present as cowardice. Support your Man in all the ways that follow:

Lift him up when he is down.

Take his heart in your cupped hands, hold it above your head, and celebrate your lover by revering him. Mature men need to be challenged to grow; however when in the safety of their own homes they are looking for affirmation that who they have become through all their trials and tribulations is enough. When a man places his family on his shoulders, he needs to be confident beforehand that what he offers is sufficient. Men and women today are butting heads when challenged by their partners because of the presence of this self-assurance. The world is cold and eagerly challenges men outside of the safety of their homes. Empathize with the sensation this constant challenging creates, provide a safe space for him to spread out, and praise him down his midline. When he fails at something, remember that he can feel criticism from more angles than your own. Let him know from experience that it is okay to fail. In no time he will be following your nurturing influence just like a shelter rescue all the way to your graves.

Lift his spirits, always.

The everyday slog of life can be draining. Traditionally raised men believe it is their responsibility to provide and protect their families. Knowing this, surprise him to let him know he is doing well enough to earn your love.

Keep in mind that kids often grow apart from their parents.

Beginning around age 12, children stop seeing their parents as superheroes and start to realize their failings. Pay attention to how your children validate and affirm your husband, and be prepared to fill in the gap their waning expressions of appreciation leaves as they age and start to taking your provider for granted.

Support him in all matters business related.

As a wife it is your opportunity (not responsibility) to be a trusted advisor. Challenge your husband’s creative problem solving skills by brainstorming with him. During your after dinner walk, or even in the middle of the day, check in on him. Ask him what he is working on, and determine what the obstacles are to his short-term goals. Don’t be overbearing, accept all he is willing to share, and lend a new perspective to help him overcome the tunnel vision that results from being in the trenches at his place of work.

Always look up, to bigger and better.

Keep trying to advance both of your careers. If your husband is a carpenter, support him into one day working for himself or starting his own business. If he is a clerk, love him into becoming manager. Don’t let him settle for less. Sell the idea of advancement as empowering to his schedule and wallet and you will eventually find the fulfilling life you both dream of.

Hold his trauma.

When he expresses things to you, pull out your metaphorical pencil and jot them down so that you don’t forget what his points of pain are. Remember his triggers and uncomfortable experiences and keep him on a pedestal. Let him know that at home, he is successful and King.

Kill his verbal abusiveness with your heart.

The next time you are out and about, encourage him to be compassionate and empathetic with those around him. Don’t make a habit of talking too much shit about others. Negativity can be directed back at you, and soon a culture of verbal abuses takes hold. Your leadership will inform what spoken languages create the good feelings you both seek.

Take an interest in his interests.

Keeping your role as his chief advisor, spend time doing the things he loves. Listen to great music, enjoy watching great performances, and play hard together when you are done working.

Divide your responsibilities naturally.

If your husband is working or even off somewhere enjoying himself learn to do some of the things traditionally reserved for the man of the house like cutting grass and cleaning gutters. Remember, this isn’t the work of your responsibilities, but the work of your opportunities to love him fiercely. His respect for you will increase as time goes on, without fail.